17 July 2019

DISCOVERING WHO YOU ARE



I feel like the last couple of years have been full of self discovery, mostly painful self discovery but totally worth every second of agony, because I think the only way to truly get on the path that leads onward is through the grit. I have chosen to put myself through all the hurt and all the anxiety to discover more about myself; the person I am underneath the smile I have for everyone every single day, the things that fire me up, make me happy or sad, the stupid little things that break me, the things that make my day brighter.

Discovering who you really are sounds easy, but it really isn't. The movies and the airy fairy, fluffy kind of self-help books make us think that we just need to sit in a lotus position and meditate for a bit and suddenly we will emerge a more well-rounded human being, but in my experience I have had to completely break down, several times over, to fully 'see' myself for who I am. Have I always liked what I've seen? No way, but I needed to (and will always need to) see those dark places to know where I can go and how to grow from them, because it is true that out of the darkness we see more light than we can ever imagine.

Don't be scared to look within, don't be afraid to delve right on in to the hardest thing you have been through and work out why things happened. I have looked back over many things in the last 18 months and asked serious questions of myself to work out why something happened how it did and what I could have done differently. I have been to all ends of the emotional spectrum, ending up in the care of the mental health crisis team on the way, but I needed to get things out. 

I guess I have been looking to reach a point of self acceptance in some way, a place where I can let go of guilt and pain and try to live in the now, rather than hovering about between the past and the future, forever questioning actions and decisions. Naturally, as human beings, we all find ourselves gravitating back to things that have happened in our lives, but I have learned that the more I look within, the more I unpick and sort through all the mental crap I carry about, the easier it is to let things wash over me when they inevitably revisit. It is just about not letting them set up camp in your head I guess.



Why am I writing all this? Honestly, I really don't know. It was all in my heart and I wanted to place it somewhere. Recently I have discharged myself from the care of the mental health team in favour of other ways of dealing with things. I realised that I haven't got something long term to be medicated forever more and to be constantly diagnosed medically, but in-fact I have a sensitive soul, and that I am someone who is never going to just accept things without deep questioning, a questioning that can often cause me severe agony. I have my own unique outlooks on many parts of life which are very different to others and one day I just realised I was searching for self-acceptance. 

The path of comparison is a dangerous one, and it is the one that has dug into my mind and eaten away at me for longer than I care to admit. When I have got upset about something and told someone else, only to hear them say 'that's bloody weird, why do you get upset about that', I have questioned myself to the core, battling what I think is important with what they think is important. With many things I am in the minority, but I am learning that being in the minority is kind of cool actually. This is the work I am doing for myself now; accepting my thoughts are okay, accepting that I am not strange for feeling all the things that I do that many don't understand. I am me, and that is okay, the same way that you are you, and we are unique in our own thoughts and actions.

It's not an easy path, the one of self-development. If you choose to walk it you are bloody brave, and I am right next to you, being brave too. But I would much prefer to walk this path than to just be closed off to the world and the emotions it brings. The core of real life is in the lessons of our every day experiences, but also there is so much to gain from sitting in the difficulties for a while too, just don't sit there too long, only long enough to see what you came for, then simply get up, and walk away.
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