24 April 2019


^^ Background image by 'Sweet Ice Cream Photography' on Unsplash ^^

What happens when we let ourselves fully lean into our vulnerabilities and emotions?

Being honest with ourselves, when we are feeling something significant in our hearts and minds, takes courage. It takes courage to let yourself have the ‘space’ to feel into it and to work it out, and it also can take a great deal of time too. I think the reason so many of us consciously choose the easier path is that we expect life to make things happen for us without any discomfort happening to us. This is an impossible thing to request because it is the discomfort that really makes us grow, even though we certainly don’t feel it at the time that’s for sure!

When we are feeling a huge amount of discomfort and fear around a subject, we can often stuff our emotions deep down and paint a beautiful coat of fresh white paint over the top to try and hide them from view (the problem is, as with real life decorating, if you haven’t done the leg work to fully prepare the wall then whatever was underneath will show through to the surface in time or just look slightly off...you get the metaphor here!). 

So what would happen if you actually gave yourself permission to jump into your more uncomfortable fears and feelings? Probably this...

1. It would feel hard (yeah, almost certainly)
2. You may cry, a lot (so what?)
3. There is a chance you may feel lost and unsure whilst allowing this emotion to surface (okay, but what will be at the other end of this exploration?)
4. You may feel vulnerable and scared (more than likely, but it will teach you so much about strength too)

These are just a few things that can come up when you decide to let your emotions in, but when you do, as I found out recently, wonderful things can happen.

About a month ago, without boring you with the nitty gritty, I had a day where I couldn’t hold in all my pent up emotions anymore; I broke, and I broke in spectacular style. I felt everything all at once; all the pain from the past, all the bad words, actions and confusing thoughts and fear. I was overwhelmed, disorientated and scared of what was happening. I cried so hard, for so many hours that I had to bathe my eyes open several times to be able to see to walk around. I sat on the floor in various places around the house, because all the pacing around was exhausting and I’d keep reaching points where I need to sit wherever I was and try to regroup. It was one of the hardest days I have experienced in my life; I was alone and I was really, really scared.

The reason I love this Rob Bell quote so much, ‘the interesting things happen when we come to the end of ourselves’, is because, after that day, where all the pieces of the jigsaw that is me, were scattered all over the place, and I’d cried every tear I had available, I sat and felt this huge wave of calm wash over me. Yes, I have no doubt it was partly utter exhaustion, but it was also like I had fully cleansed my spirit of so many things in one day.

I had ‘come to the end of myself’, or at least one chapter of myself and, as Rob Bell said, interesting things were starting to happen. Amazing thoughts started to creep into my mind over the days that followed, eye opening realisations and insights that I hadn’t considered before. I had created space for new things to come in by allowing the old to leave me. It felt so incredible. 

So here's my advice; lean in, allow things to surface and don’t be afraid to feel everything you are being shown. If in doubt, grab a pen and a notebook and write; write anything and everything that comes into your head. Don’t worry whether it makes sense, don’t try and make it look neat or sound clever; don’t give a shit about punctuation or grammar in any way, because this is for your eyes only. 

Allowing the rawness to surface to create space for something new and exciting is worth the suffering that can, but doesn’t always, come along. Just don’t stay in the suffering for too long. You have a choice whether or not to respond to the pain and allow it to hang around too long; make the right choice! Take small, conscious steps forward and keep moving in that direction, however  slowly, towards your dreams and desires. 

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