3 October 2018

AM I A FAILURE?



It's been a while since I had a little mental health chat on here, which is mainly because I have been kind of busy but also because, on the whole, life has been steady-ish. I say 'ish' because with mental illness 'steady' just wouldn't be the word I would use to describe it, at least not in my case. The high's and lows are less severe these days (thank the maker!), but sometimes I am sailing along all fine and dandy and suddenly I notice water is pouring into the boat (or in the case of Monday, out of my eyeballs!).

What I often find with 'those days' is that, when I am in the middle of the peak day (i.e. the day I lose my sh*t), I can then look back and think 'do you know what Lucy, you haven't been quite right for a week or so really' and then I feel silly for skipping a couple of days meds (usually accidentally) or simply not listening to my brain enough. But that is the nature of the beast; it follows so close behind you, like a shadow, and whenever you stop it stops, so it is easy to miss the signs when you look for them. 

Anyway, after a few days of feeling jittery one minute, numb the next, then exhausted, then hyperactive I peaked with being a tearful mess on Monday and actually said out loud '... am I a failure?'. This question comes up for me every bloody time I struggle for a few days with my health, because the utter crap-bag that is mental illness makes you feel totally useless and like nothing you are doing is going anywhere. For someone who is usually optimistic, endlessly positive and never without motivation, this can hit hard!

Do I want to be someone who has the energy of 'everything I do is crap' / 'I have no good ideas' / 'I'm rubbish, why can't I get myself together today?' / 'I just want to lay in bed and sleep and cry'... answer: hell no! But this is something that happens, this is just real life isn't it? We all get these days, mental illness or no mental illness, and some of these days we have zero option but to actually let ourselves feel all those crappy, negative things; we need a good cry, some chocolate and a cheesy film, maybe even to slob about in our pajamas all day, napping at every given opportunity, but sometimes this isn't an option at all. Why? Well, because we have a job to do, people to take care of or a house to run; so we have to do some things differently.

But guys, gather round, for I have found the secret to the days where giving up for 24 hours isn't possible... do you want to know what it is?

Ready?

You sure?

Okay, here it is...

you have to just
D O  Y O U R  B E S T
(gasp!)

Wow, that's it? I hear you cry! Yep, that's it. As the famous saying goes 'this too shall pass' and it always does pass doesn't it; so just think to yourself 'I'm clearly having one of those day/weeks', shove on Bridget Jones (or whatever floats your boat) and let it be. If you need to take some time to be alone, or miss a workout or three then do it, because the world won't stop turning.

PS: If someone could remind me to re-read this post when I am feeling crappy that'd be wonderful!                     
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1 comment

  1. I'd like this post printed and glued on walls EVERYWHERE. You're so right my lovely, we can only do our best.
    Sending lots of love your way (and cat cuddles of course)
    Peta xx
    www.nourishingsoulfully.com

    ReplyDelete

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