13 June 2018


^^ I love this quote so much, I can't find an original source but this was from Pinterest ^^

... the black dog is not welcome!

*please do not read this post if mental health just isn't your 'thing', pop back on Sunday for a 'Weekly Gratitude' instead!

(Just to create a bit of context before you read this: I wrote this post on Saturday and am starting to feel a little better now, but I like to share these experiences anyway as I feel they are super important. If you need help for anything mental health related please see your GP, or if you are in desperate need of help call '111' or '999', do not be afraid to reach out for help).

Sometimes I write posts after I have had a bit of a strange old time with my mental health and reflect on how I felt, what I did to make it better etc, but right now I am writing this right in the middle of a pretty terrible time. Over the last few weeks I have felt my mood starting to dip; it's been super slow and gradual, which is the worst; when that happens you don't realise it so much, not until you are standing at the bottom of a dark old hole, looking up. 

The positive thing with this situation is that I think I know why I feel like this at least. A few weeks ago I went to the doctors and spoke about reducing my medication; I was feeling so much brighter and more consistent within myself that I just wanted to try to ease off the meds and try life without them. That is the annoying thing with medication, it fools you into thinking that you have got better, that you are cured from this strange old illness and back to 'normal', turns out that it is not always the case (crap!). The short story is that I have now chosen to go back up to the dose of my current medication and just suck it up that I have to have it to function, which is very frustrating but apparently necessary! 

Mental health is such a difficult entity isn't it? It's something that I honestly think we will never quite get to grips with. If, like me, what you have is kind of a blip in your wiring (rather than being due to a trauma you have experienced) I think it is harder to understand because you wonder why you have it, where did it come from and how you get rid of it. The worst days for me are days like today where I can't find the energy to put one foot in front of the other or the enthusiasm for anything I would normally want to do. For me, someone who trains regularly, loves to be outdoors, enjoys being creative, and all the other things that I am passionate about, it is really strange to be struck almost numb with the feeling of depression. I can sit out in the garden, a place where I usually find so magical, and feel like it is the worst place in the world. In fact, in the middle of a day like today, there are no 'right' places at all, nowhere comforting, no where safe or welcoming.

Because I have had this for years now, I have the insight to realise that as sh*tty as this feels right now, that it will pass soon and all of my motivation will return. In the mean time it is just about focusing on each minute, rather than hour, and not letting the niggles that you push to the back of your mind step forward and take centre stage because, if they are going to taunt you it will be now, at this vulnerable kind of time.

For anyone who doesn't understand why I write about this stuff (because there are plenty of people who do question it) then all I can say is that I truly believe in helping people feel like they are not alone in their suffering and that even people with the biggest smiles on their faces can be in the darkest of places (that is such an important thing to remember!).

If I could give any advice I would just say this: if you need medication, yes it can be frustrating, but if it helps you function then you may (like me) just have to go with it and see how you get on because it is not worth feeling total despair when you can have help. Also, and this is super important, reach out to someone who can help you; this may not always be a friend or family member, it may be more appropriate for you to seek professional help, but whatever works for you is the way forward. Just keep on talking and, on the really bad days make sure you are super kind and gentle with yourself, try not to get angry with yourself (although I truly know how hard that is) and remember, above anything else, that it is an illness, so don't think you are abnormal, just embrace what and who you are and work hard on finding ways that you can make yourself feel better. It takes work but it is totally worth it and, when you get your medication right and the self care balance right you can reduce your 'bad' days significantly and the ratio of good to bad becomes so much better, I promise.

1 comment

  1. Very relatable thank you for sharing


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