30 May 2018

BODY STORIES SERIES | #1 MINE



If my relationship with my body had a Facebook status it would be 'it's complicated'. For as long as I can remember I have picked my body to pieces, both mentally and physically; wishing it was totally different to the way it actually is. It is only this year that I have found someone, an amazing human being, who has made me start to question that process properly, like really question it, really wonder if the pressure I put myself under is worth all the suffering. More on that later.

In a room of 100 women, how many people would raise their hands if asked 'have you ever had an issue with your body?'; I think it would be quite a few, don't you? The older I get the more frustrated and sad I feel that we feel that way inside about the shell we have been given to carry that most precious thing we own, our soul. As I was meditating yesterday, trying to dig down into the root of my mind and sort through past hurts, the thought came into my head of 'what if you were struck down dead tomorrow and you had a chance to look back and see how much torture you had put yourself through over food and see just how much you pushed your body to the extreme, when it was crying out for rest'. That really jolted me when it came into my head.

Through my life I have been a binge eater, then deprived myself and repeated that cycle several hundred times, never finding happiness within it (not particularly shocking). I have tried the stupid, faddy diets, I have tried intuitive eating but unfortunately, up to now, my intuition told me to eat three family packets of chocolate biscuits! My weight has fluctuated so much that I haven't been able to cope with the change, whether it has been high or low. My dress size has been up and down more times than I would like to remember and each time it has taken a piece of my mental health with it. 



How crazy is it that I haven't been happy with my body at any single stage of my life's journey? That is absolutely insane to me as I write this; when I have lost weight I feel scared; scared to go back again, scared to buy clothes that fit because I am 'bound to be bigger again'. Feeling guilty about every meal, every missed training session and every treat I have has become normal behaviour, yet I want so badly to not feel that way and that has become my new focus.

I always listen to podcasts about business, spirituality and health and often I am super inspired by the wonderful guests being interviewed but, more recently (as I have mentioned in previous blog posts), I heard the wonderful Mel Wells being interviewed and something about her and the way she delivers her message seemed to strike me over the head with a giant hammer. I really can't try and explain how she does what she does because I will be rubbish at it, but I would just say that if you are struggling in any way with food or your body or perhaps both then you must listen to the podcast that I first discovered Mel on and see what you think. The episode you need is one of Lori Harders 'Earn your happy' and it was the first time I heard Mel interviewed and it captured me instantly. If you like it then she has two books and an amazing Instagram page and website too (erm, just realising that I sound like I am on an advertising mission, which I am not, pinky swear; I just needed to hear everything that this lovely lady has to say recently and I resonate so much with her and hope you will too!).

Anyway, as I stepped away from that first time listening to Mel's story I sat and thought long and hard about where I am getting stuck with my body positivity journey. One thing stood out for me and this is what it was: I realised that I am trying to be everything I see out there all at once; a body builder, a 'perfect' eater, someone who has amazing cardiovascular fitness, super flexible, motivated, never defeated, someone who can do anything and bounce back, someone with a successful business, a popular blog, a balance of spirituality, work and free time to have adventures. It dawned on me that I have somehow absorbed all these 'internet perfect' lives and decided that all of them must be achieved in order to be successful. WTF is that about, seriously, it's exhausting just typing it, let alone actually trying to live it.

Every time I see someone doing something I think 'wow, that's cool, I wanna give that a shot' and it has lead me to never feeling good enough as 'me'. This is a brand new revelation and I am about to embark on all the hard work to undo this as we speak but, bloody hell guys, why do we put ourselves under this pressure? The crazy thing is that I know that what I am seeing on, let's say Instagram, is a highly edited version of someones life, but I still take that as some kind of comparison bar. Also, I am 37 years old...and have been through my own journey to where I am now, which is the most authentic journey I have at my disposal. 

Recently, whilst having a bit of chat with a lovely friend of mine, Kimberley, she hit the nail on the head, saying to me '... your body hasn't failed you yet in 37 years so if it says 'hey gurl, I wants me a slice of cake' once in a while then let her have a slice of God damn cake'! That very sentence made me feel so empowered (and want some cake!) as she is right. My body has been through a lot in its years and I should be bloody grateful for it all, not depriving it of every single thing and feeling guilty for eating a bloomin' burger! We really can be savage on ourselves can't we? 


This journey of more self-acceptance is going to be one of the toughest ever; how I feel about my body is so ingrained into me, it is in the way I speak about myself to others and the way I speak to myself in the mirror, desperately grabbing hold of parts of my body to see what I would look like if they were smaller... I have simply made the choice that I don't want to go on, for the rest of my life (my precious life), feeling like this, it is not healthy in and of itself.

Knowing this was how I was feeling led me to ask a couple of amazing ladies to write their body stories for me and I am going to stagger them out over the summer for you guys to read. The first story is one that, when I read it, made me cry because not only is it super honest, but it is also so very beautiful. Find that post right here next Wednesday, I promise you that you will adore it.

On that note I am still open to anyone who wants to share a body story, I am just totally behind sharing these personal experiences to help women, as a collective, to realise we are not alone in this. Get in touch if you fancy a chat or want to write a little post for this series (or another subject!) by emailing me on fromlucywithlove@outlook.com.

Thank you so much for reaing, have a fab rest of week! x
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8 comments

  1. This is such a beautiful idea for a series and ridiculously brave to go first!! I don’t know any single human being who has a completely a+ relationship with their body...it’s always completely reassuring to hear that you’re not alone
    Look forward to the rest of the series!
    M x

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    1. Thank you honey, that is so sweet of you. You are so right, all of us have had our 'moments' haven't we? It just seems that it is on the rise and getting more severe so it is something I like to chatter on about! I hope you are doing good... you are looking as gorgeous as ever xx

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  2. Thank you so much for sharing this, Lucy. I can't wait to get started and read the rest of the series, too. Such a beautiful idea. I'm so glad to hear you're embarking on a new acceptance journey, too! Much love xx

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    1. Thank you sweet! I am so excited to read yours too :-) I think these posts can be super helpful for others so thank you for being a part of it xxx

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  3. This is such a wonderful idea for a series of posts and I'm looking forward to reading along. It's reassuring to hear that there are so many out there who have the same complicated relationship so thank you!

    C x
    http://happygoluckycat.blogspot.com/

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    1. Thank you Cat! So happy you enjoyed it... I find reading these post so reassuring too as it is so easy to think we are on our own and get stuck in our heads isn't it?! xx

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  4. An honest, brilliant post to kick off the series Lucy. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and ideas, as I read I just wanted to give you the biggest hug ever. You are one of the most beautiful souls I know both on the inside and outside. Your friend Kimberley sounds like she knows her stuff too! Sending lots of love your way, and wishing you all the luck in the world on this new journey you're embarking upon.
    Peta xx

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    1. Aw you are so lovely! I am so looking forward to your post going up next week... I cried when I read it and it really gave me a slap round the face (in a very good way!) you make some wonderful points about the importance of loving our body and I can't wait for people to read it! xx

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