17 May 2017

WHO AM I?

 photo fromlucywithloveWhoAmI-17thMay2017_zps7g7frn6r.png

Let's talk about aging...

I know, I know, I am only 36 and that most certainly isn't 'over the hill', but I am starting to notice things about myself, both physically and mentally, that are, let's say... 'challenging' me somewhat, so I thought I would have a chat with you guys about it today.

Watching me look in the mirror at my face (something I have never particularly enjoyed by the way) would appear, to the outsider, like I am taking myself through one of those complicated facial muscle routines (you know the ones?!). These days, I often find myself contorting my poor old chops into all kinds of positions to see whether this wrinkle or that wrinkle is 'still there' or to try and discover where my confused old hormones have decided to sprout a new, ever so random, hair on my chin (wtf is that about?). Some days, I even manage to convince myself I have grown jowls and stare intensely at my face, poking and prodding, wondering how I can get rid of them. Other days I spring into the bathroom, wash my face, put my moisturiser on and think 'you look alright today' and, somehow, all the above issues are not there anymore. Then, and this is a big one for me, there is the issue of (*insert horror music here*) natural lighting. The amount of times I have filmed a clip for a vlog or something, watched it back and then sworn to all the angels that I am never, ever, stepping out during the day again. 

Now, obviously, everything I have just written was done so with a sense of humor, but the fact is that my body is changing and it is something I have been noticing creep in over the last couple of years. I am lucky in many ways; I have good genes (anyone who saw my Instagram picture of my mum, who is 73 years old, can see that I am lucky there) but, and this can't just be me, getting older and seeing your body shift is hard.

I have zero issues with age within itself. I am loving my thirties and would never want to go back but I am merely talking about acceptance. Acceptance of the nutty, frizzy, 'I will grow out of your head in every possible direction' grey hairs, the random outbursts of teenage spots, which seem to laugh and say 'ha ha ha, you thought I was gone, but I'm not... you're older, but I am still here!' and the body which creeks and aches a little more every year (I actually have to sit on the side of the bed and mobilise these days before stepping out into the world!).

But, all that said, along with the physical strangeness, comes a lot more mental clarity about who I am. I may not be quite settled into my body and, to be quite honest, I am not sure that will ever happen (I am working on it), but I am super confident about who I am now and, more importantly, I don't care what people think. In my teenage years and all throughout my twenties and early thirties, I tried to make myself be who I thought I was meant to be. I was afraid to give my opinion, I was scared to admit that I am spiritual and want to develop that side of me. I didn't want to dress in what I wanted to wear, for fear of what people would think. I had no self-belief whatsoever and felt like I wasn't true to myself at all. Whilst that is probably normal for most of us, I think it took me much longer to reach the stage I am at now, where I am aligned with who I am in my soul... and I will not shift it for anyone or anything. I am officially a stubborn old ox.

So, this is me...
I crave peace and quiet and, right now, I am feeling a little like a hermit but that's okay because I know it will pass. I am growing spiritually (intentionally) and, to do that, I need space and peace and that is something that many won't 'get' but I am alright with that. I am not anti-social and I love people but something is shifting and I am actually allowing myself to grow into that shift, rather than avoid it for fear of what others may think. I am spending a lot of time in nature right now and loving every second. Nothing makes me happier than being outside, feeding the birds, watching the clouds, listening to the sea and connecting with it all through being 'still'. I have lost the need to have 'all the things' because they just don't seem important anymore. Don't get me wrong, I love nice clothes (and could really do with some right now!) but, what I am saying here, is that they are not a priority at all. My health and mental well-being is. 

A big part of who I am is wanting to create a happy experience for the people I care about. I want them to feel good about themselves and have positive thoughts about themselves and what they are doing in life. I guess that is why Leaf Lane Studio is such a passion-project for me too. I talked, in a recent vlog, about the customer service experience of my business being of utmost importance to me; making my brides feel like they are the most special person to me. I can't wait to do that because it is genuinely something I like to do for people anyway.

That (^^) is me, mostly... but I am also a... ripped jeans wearing, stripe-obsessive, cake craving, crystal buying, weight-lifting, Jeremy Kyle-watching, animal loving, popcorn addict with a kind heart and constant need for a nap (and so many other things too).

I want to end with this adorable quote from the Velveteen Rabbit, which I love so much...
'...you become. It takes a long time... Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand'.
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4 comments

  1. What a beautiful quote from the Velveteen Rabbit. Your honesty is so refreshing Lucy, I, much like you really feel like I've grown into myself recently. What a lovely feeling that is! :) x

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    1. I love that quote SO much, it is so cute isn't it! Hope you are well gorgeous lady xx

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  2. I adore the quote at the end, never have truer words been spoken.
    It's a weird thing this ageing lark isn't it? It's such a bizarre feeling to become perhaps slightly more self aware physically but emotionally the most at ease you've ever been. You look amazing in these pictures and I can't believe your mum is the age she is - AMAZING genes.
    M x

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    1. Hey there lovely lady bird! That quote is gorgeous isn't it? I love it so much! Ageing is strange... I am not worried about it at all but have my days where I'm like 'er... who is that ruffled, wrinkly bint in the mirror... oh, it is me!' :-) Hope all is well with you gorgeous one xx

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