26 April 2017

SURRENDERING


^^Honest photo alert... but a real life snap nonetheless^^

Although what I have chosen to write about today is (thankfully) not a common occurrence for me anymore, I thought I would share this recent experience as I like to be open and honest and I hope that it will help someone else to realise these things are normal.

Yesterday (Wednesday 19th April as I write this) I took a bit of a mental-health nose-dive. It was sudden, it was dark and really, really horrible. I say it was sudden but I guess, if I really think about it, it was building up over a few days. The line between what is hormonal and what is mental health is blurry but, whichever it is, always presents as a mental health issue for me, so it doesn't matter what the cause really.

Since I started my Bullet Journal in January, I have been keeping a daily mood tracker, including 'mental health days' and I have only had six days that I have considered to be proper 'down' days since January, which is bloody awesome if you ask me. They really are rare which is why, when they hit me with the strength of yesterdays blip, I really get affected. I did well all day and managed to shelve it right up until about half past four but then, all of a sudden, I just crumbled. I was watching a bright and fun YouTube video with tears streaming down my face and couldn't get my head into gear to do anything more with the day. Joe came to find me and gave me a huge hug, which always helps, and let me cry like a hysterical wally. As a side note - always let yourself have a good cry because you will always feel better for it, I promise, apart from when you look in the mirror and realise you look like a panda (*must invest in waterproof mascara again*).

A hot bath and some yummy food, cooked by the hubby, made me feel much better then I'd felt all day, but the whole thing got me thinking about how this can suddenly happen, with barely any warning and absolutely no changes to bring it on. Hormones? Serotonin levels? Lack of mini eggs in my diet? Who knows, but I am learning to surrender to 'those days' and not give myself too much of a hard time. This means that the next day (today) I feel less stressed and just a little emotionally hungover.

I think the biggest thing to come into my mind on days where I spiral for a bit is how I am not yet free from the clutches of this mental health condition and that it is fairly likely to be a part of me forever, which is okay, but I wish there was a magic pill I could take on the worst days to pull me out of the numbness that encloses my mind with its mist. That is the worse thing. That said, I try to see the silver linings in it because there are silver linings. It makes me realise how lucky I am to have a husband that supports me and knows that all I need is a hug, a cup of tea and a hot water bottle to comfort me. It alerts me to the fact that sometimes my body wants me to just feel things and not shelve things and that it will continue to push me until I do. As soon as I let it all out and cleanse my brain (literally, what with all the tears) I feel better again. It is like I am reminded that I don't have to be indestructible at all times and that I can show weakness.

I am not overly sure at the main point of this post, other than to let you into a side of life which often gets pushed to one side and not shown on blogs and social media. I guess I have always been more open about my experiences with mental health (which I know some people don't understand) but I really just want to continue to talk about it so maybe it helps you to talk about it more too. As hard as 'those days' are, I have learnt to lean into them a bit more and to do what I need to do to let them pass slightly easier and they always do pass.

If you ever need someone to chat to, you guys know my 'email door' is always open, just drop me a message to fromlucywithlove@outlook.com and I will get back to you when I can but, and this is really important, don't forget to reach out to those closest to you when you feel low and seek medical help if you feel you need it. It has helped me and it can help you too.
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2 comments

  1. Thanks for this post - I have days like these that just hit me from no where. It's very easy when you are feeling this way to think that you're the only one going through this and its very isolating. My partner is supportive, thankfully, but I'm not sure he totally gets me at times, if that makes sense!! I seem to get knocked over by a wave of real heaviness occassionally (literally a handful of times a year) without warning but I really like what you said anout learning to lean into these periods - and accepting them. I try to fight it off but perhaps being accepting to it is part of the battle, so to speak. Hope you are feeling better and thanks again for the post.

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    1. I totally agree that it can be really isolating and that is why I try and write about the bad stuff too (which irritates some people, but I think it is important to make others aware how it feels for those of us that go through it, because it can be hellish can't it hun). I think I am similar to you in terms of being hit by a big wave of it a few times a year. I have several little down days but few really full-on ones. It is hard to lean into them and let them be, because I think our instinct is to think 'what's wrong with me' and really beat ourselves up about feeling this way but honestly, allow it to happen and go with it (as crappy as it feels) and be super kind to yourself and know it will pass. You can email me any time for a rant :-) xx

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